The Sutras Of Swimplash Draft

Wrote this draft for my buddy Clint who is off having the best anal he's ever had. Stay safe at sea.

The Sutras of Swimplash - Once Thought Lost, Found In A Civic

Duly recorded by his disciples Salty-heart and Big Grungey Joe
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"From the land named after the creator, East Texas, came a man of infinite gifts. Heart, mind, and beard." - Salty-heart.

"A finer fucker hath never fucked." - Big Grungey Joe
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In the beginning there was the word, and that word was "twiced." For it is said that twiced was Swimplash (pronounced SIP-uh) born. Once born from a woman he was again born on the bathroom floor of a bar called 'Sugarplumpy's.' Little is known about his first birth, only that it happened. His second birth, hereafter referred to as the 'after birth,' ushered in a new age of wisdom for humanity. For it is told that following the after birth Swimplash arose from a grievous head wound and began performing miracles. Sutra - 1:1

His first miracle was standing after receiving a grievous head wound. His second was to survive the loss of blood. It is said that immediately after he arose during the after birth that his head wound filled over with hair that crackled like white lightning. - Sutra 1:2

Upon seeing the man who had wounded him with the bottle of Shiner Bock, Swimplash called to his followers who had followed him to the bar. "Nay, do not harm this one, for he hath struck in ignorance. Please, rowdy friends, do not strike back in ignorance, but discover the location of thine dwelling, and rain rocks of forgiveness, and set the flames of forgiveness upon his front lawn." His followers, complied, and the man that had wounded Swimplash was purified in the howling flames of redemption and was reborn as nutrients resting in the earth. - Sutra 1:3

Later it is said that Swimplash disposed of his garbs and drove an evil spirit out of a drunken woman who had descended upon him with a thirst for knowledge. - Sutra 1:4
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Having become a sage, Swimplash set out to fix the wrongs in the world. His wisdom and powers became known throughout the land. Sutra - 1:5

Once, a house of young people was beset by a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Knowing that the people in the house were too young to imbibe such liquors, he deftly walked through the front door and asked upon where he could find the liquor cabinet. Sutra - 1:6

"Who are you?" a child spoke. And thus, Swimplash smote the child for having transgressed upon him. Then, using his sage nose, he smelled the cabinet which was full of the devil's nectar. He went to it and said, "HARK! I say unto you young peoples, that these bottles contain not salvation, but a false promise." When the young people gathered and asked questions unto Swimplash he could see that they were already ensnared in the false promises of the devil's nectar, and that time was short. Sutra - 1:7

Without hesitation, Swimplash reached for a bottle of Jaegermeister and began to chuggeth. Then, upon completion, he smashed the bottle so it would no longer be used for ill. When the young people did speak he smote them with thine rod, and when they tried to call out on their phones they had learned that Swimplash had suppressed the house phone with wire cutters and used his swiftness and skill to run about the house to snatch all the cell phones. Sutra - 1:8

Having earlier imbibed the devil's nectar the young people were filled with fear and ran from Swimplash. They did not know that he was taking into himself all the evils of the liquor cabinet thus saving them from evil. Within his holy body the evil began to churn and reject him, so Swimplash called forth a torrent of devil's nectar which shot forth unto the upolstry of an IROC-Z Camaro. - Sutra 1:9
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In the year of the Cougar, Swimplash traveled to the land of Nod and was encountered by a man who was hounded by an army of inflamed women who had seen many years. The man was weary of their garbled words and so Swimplash, having seen this, took it upon himself to disperse the women. Uttering sacred chants such as, "hommina, hommina, hommina," and "hark sugartits, back thineself unto thee," he was able to quell the crowd of their intent. The weary man thanked Swimplash. "If you wish to thank me, then you must learn to spank me." The weary man became the wary man, and the wary man inquired to Swimplash, "what do you mean spank you?" Swimplash lowered to a knee and took began to write into the Earth with his finger. Before the wary man arose his own likeness from the dirt, and that of the likeness of Swimplash. The wary man gasped at this miracle. Then, the likeness of many elder women rose too from the dirt and surrounded the likeness of the wary man. "You are burdened by these women, yet you do not see the easiest path to remove yourself from them," said Swimplash. Sutra - 1:10

The wary man pondered Swimplash's words. "Do you mean to say… that by spank you, you mean surpass you by learning from your example and becoming better at solving my own problems?" Sutra - 1:11

"Nay," said Swimplash.

The wary man again pondered. "Do you mean to say… that to free myself of these women, I must 'spank you' by punishing you for what you did to them, and learn to accept that sometimes an army of inflamed women who have seen many days are people as well and should not be treated as a burden?"

"Nay," said Swimplash.

The wary man pondered deeply, but the answer did not come to him.

Swimplash went to the likeness of the wary man and removed from his sash a broken piece of glass. With it, he raked the likeness of the wary man upon the face three times. The likeness of the women had disappeared upon the third slash. It was then that the wary man came to understand Swimplash. Sutra - 1:12

Then, that night in the parking lot, Swimplash gave the wary man the shard of broken glass. The wary man then set upon his own face with the glass, until a passerby remarked that "your face is like the salted Earth!" Swimplash went up to the wary man and spoke unto him. "Nay… you are of the salted heart… This day I shall call you Salty-heart and we are now as brothers, and if the women come for you, show them your face and they will flee. Then I will take their evil upon myself to shield you from their throes.

Salty-heart wept, and became a disciple of Swimplash. - Sutra 1:13
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Upon a road Swimplash stopped without word. Salty-heart spoke to him, asking what could be the matter. Swimplash laid his hand on Salty-heart's shoulder and said, "stay here, I must tend to the rash." And with that Swimplash went to the river where he might collect relief from it. On the banks beside him approached a woman. Swimplash spoke to her, saying "pray, tell me, oh woman of enormous knockers, why hath you come to the river?" Sutra - 1:14

"I have come to feed Big Grungey Joe, lest he set upon my house with demands for spaghetti." Sutra - 1:15

Swimplash then noticed an invisible snake who set forth to strike the woman's bosom. It's speed was too great for Swimplash and it struck her right breast, yet she did not know. The invisible snake then vanished. Quickly, Swimplash came up to the woman and began to suck the venom from her unseen wound. The woman, sick with invisible venom, knew not what she was doing when she smote Swimplash upon thine eye. "Pray! I say unto you! I will draw the venom!" Sutra - 1:16

"There is no venom there! Nothing has envenomed me!" the woman roared. Sutra - 1:17

"There is! You cannot see it for the serpent was cloaked!" Sutra - 1:18

Then, it was said, that on the banks of that river while saving the buxom woman's life, a great bear rose from a pile of towels and came upon Swimplash. Sutra - 1:19

"HEY," it spoke, "just who in the wide world of FUCK are you?!" Sutra - 1:20

Wiping his mouth, Swimplash stood and addressed the bear. "Who should I be?" he asked. The bear, unseeing of Swimplash's wisdom, then roared, "SPAGHETTI!" Then the woman, climbing to her feet, said unto the bear, "Big Grungey Joe.. this bearded thief has pillaged my bosom so that I was not able to protect your plate of noodles and parmesan…" Sutra - 1:21

"WHAAAAT?!" cried the great bear, "IS THIS TRUE?!" he asked of Swimplash in all caps. "I say unto you great bear, who hath the scent of a burning furnace of garbage, that this woman was set upon by a cloaked serpent." Sutra - 1:22

"A CLOAKED SERPENT?!" screamed the bear, "then… they too have come to this river. Sages, cloaked serpents, it is no longer safe here for pasta." So the bear stood upon his hind legs, and began to walk as a man. Salty-heart, who had become weary of waiting, came upon them and frightened the buxom woman away with his gashed face. "Great Swimplash, what have the fates wrought us?!" But Swimplash had set out and followed the buxom woman. So it was that only Salty-heart and the bear were left to speak. Sutra - 1:23

They spoke tragedy, victory, and of the beginning and the end and everything in between. Then they spoke of Swimplash, who had given up chasing the envenomed woman and returned. Sutra - 1:24

"So! She outran you! What are you a pervert or something?!" roared the bear. Sutra - 1:25

"Nay," said Swimplash. The poor woman had been covered in invisible snakes, but she was strong and her enormous knockers belied her speed and she had escaped Swimplash to surely die in the forests of Tarrant County.  Sutra - 1:26

"Then I shall eat her up when I find her," screamed the bear softly, "her  tender body shall surely taste of spaghetti after having cooked it for so many days." Sutra - 1:27

"Nay," said Swimplash. Then he took from his sash a can of high powered bear mace and did mace the bear. Sutra - 1:28

The bear laughed as the mist did no harm. It was then that Swimplash had taught the bear a lesson, and the bear did know suddenly that it was not a bear, but a man. Sutra - 1:29

It so pained the bear that he howled with sorrow. His mind remembered when he was a man, and when he was denied his pasta, and he broke upon the banks of the river and attempted to drown himself. Swimplash laughed at this. Sutra - 1:30

Salty-heart cried out to Swimplash, "we cant let him do this! Is not the life of Big Grungey Joe sacred?" Sutra - 1:31

"Nay," said Swimplash, and he began to laugh at the sad man drowning himself in the river. Sutra - 1:32

The great bear man heard the laughter and his head was raised from the water and was pointed at Swimplash who exalted in his sadness. Sutra - 1:33

"Why do you laugh at me?" asked the crying bear. Sutra - 1:34

Swimplash answered the question by laughing at him more. The crying bear who was once a man then understood why Swimplash laughed. It was because he was still a man, and never was a bear. The heart within still beat with human rhythm. For the first time in many years, Big Grungey Joe stood up as a man and rushed forward to strangle Swimplash, as a man. Sutra - 1:35

Salty-heart looked upon this scene with golden light in his heart. This was not a bear attack, this was a man attack, his master had done another good deed. As Big Grungey Joe's raging hands hugged his throat, Swimplash had a vision. Sutra - 1:36

A white light filled Swimplash's eyes and the smell of Armor-all filled his nostrils. A council of figures sitting in a semi-circle floated toward him. Then it was that Burt Reynolds stood and welcomed their brother Swimplash. Sutra - 1:37

"So I am dead," said Swimplash. "Or are you," questioned Burt Reynolds.Sutra - 1:38

"Or are you?"
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