I have successfully dug myself into a hole deeper than I have ever been. Mentally I am in shambles. Physically I am the antithesis of my former self. Emotions are set to genocide. I am a bit disappointed in myself that I was able to fall so far without the pleasures of using alcohol and drugs to get there again, no, I took the slow retarded route to Wreckville. Now that I have arrived I have started bashing my head against the curb while undoing anything that has ever been good for me.And worst of all, I have neglected to write a goddamned thing in the past couple of months. Well, that may not be the absolute worst, but it is definitely standing on the podium of fail.
In my darkest hour I seek a way out. After a great deal of consideration I have narrowed my options down to two possible solutions.
Suicide: It is inevitable after all, it is how I want to leave the world, on my own terms. But, I did not plan on doing so this soon. However with some proper tweaking I am sure that I could make an early self-termination a much more pleasant experience than it may sound to the frightened god-fearing people who may be reading this. Bud Dwyer gave us colored newspapers, with proper planning, perhaps I can give the world smell-o-vision.
The other solution involves conquering my inner demons and addressing the biblical amount of self hatred I have, getting my mind and body back together, and then finding something worth pursuing in life. Or, OR, wreak terrible vengeance on the people I am unhappy at. If... If I could just re-focus the self hate onto other people then I could... become a conservative radio pundit. Hrmm... choices choices.
I haven't written anything since May and I feel horrible about it. It's hard though, to keep track of writing when you spend all your time trying to keep your mind off of the horrible fires inside the Earth that at any given moment are breaking through the crust in an effort to murder every fucking body. Well, let's just see how it goes. If I decide to give myself a glorious death then I will post several things here soon explaining this and that or having some sort of record of my last wishes (for example, someone kill Rachel Ray.)
