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Flippy is a solid name for a whale, I'm convinced of that now. Initially I thought it would be cliche but really, how many whales named Flippy have their ever been? Flippy is good, Flippy works.
Flippy would be a fantastic whale but not in that conceited human-centric way where he/she has some pointless goal that it works for. No, Flippy would be a fantastic whale in the sense that he/she always bred successfully and lived a long, generally pain free life in a very pleasant part of the ocean. Flippy would never eat more than necessary and would trouble no other creature in the ocean. One day, while watching those show off dolphins, Flippy sees one do a flip and the inclination to do so comes over him/her. But because Flippy is a fantastic whale, practicality wins over and the notion of flipping is soon discarded into the pile of forgotten memories that are buried in the graveyard of the whale's mind.
I'm writing all of this with a busted hand by the way. Iris I love you. I wanted to see how well I could write with one hand after falling down the stairs. Not very well, but I can make do. Just like Flippy would in the event that he/she was ever captured and forced to perform at a theme park. Flippy wouldn't escape. Flippy would make the best of the situation.
I read some of Cosmopolitan magazine's sex advice and realized that no qualifications are needed to get hired on as a consultant at Cosmo.
That fact had weighed heavy on my mind the other night and at some point between the whiskey and the crippling nightmares I was convinced that I could get hired onto Cosmopolitan magazine as a sex advice columnist and started stockpiling tips on fucking that matched the quality of the ones that were published.
Before I start I want to be absolutely serious for a moment and let the dear reader know that I am deeply ashamed of all that follows. My posting these terrible things here serve not to entertain but to punish myself. Like a monk whipping his own back with a cat o' nine tails this will be my retribution and my reminder not to mix terrible nights, powerful stank drank and a google search of Alyssa Milano from Double Dragon ever again.
Cosmo Sex Tips - Unedited and Unrevised
Cosmo Sex Tip #422: Nail his scrotum to a
small plank of wood and then twirl it in such a way that once enough
tension has been built and you release the plank it will spin around
like an airplane propeller. Be sure to position your breasts in the path
of the spinning plank and gurgle as if drowning underwater so that your
man imagines he's a WW2 pilot who's crashed into the ocean and is being
seduced by a mermaid.Cosmo Sex Tip #392: Saw the end of his penis off and then try to reattach it with your spit.
Cosmo Sex Tip #762: Have a snake bite your vagina and start screaming for your lover to suck the poison out. After several tense minutes admit to your lover that it was a boa constrictor which isn't poisonous. They'll be overwhelmed with joy that you're not envenomed that they'll give you the best sex you've ever had.
Cosmo Sex Tip #291: Fill a pair of gloves with ice cream just in case you're in public and your partner wants to lick ice cream off your fingers. Let him know the glove is always at the ready.
Cosmo Sex Tip #758: Challenge your lover to a farting contest where the winner gets anal.
Cosmo Sex Tip #674: Thinking of sending sultry pictures to his phone? ;) Why not send him poloroids of you masturbating WITH his phone so that every time he makes a call he'll imagine that he's talking into your vagina.
Cosmo Sex Tip #555: Write "vagina" all over his car so when on his way home from work you're all he can think about.
Cosmo Sex Tip #2Niner4: Announce that you have to use the bathroom really really badly. Then, before shutting the door call to your mate and ask them if they "wanna help" in as sexy a voice as possible.
