That fact had weighed heavy on my mind the other night and at some point between the whiskey and the crippling nightmares I was convinced that I could get hired onto Cosmopolitan magazine as a sex advice columnist and started stockpiling tips on fucking that matched the quality of the ones that were published.
Before I start I want to be absolutely serious for a moment and let the dear reader know that I am deeply ashamed of all that follows. My posting these terrible things here serve not to entertain but to punish myself. Like a monk whipping his own back with a cat o' nine tails this will be my retribution and my reminder not to mix terrible nights, powerful stank drank and a google search of Alyssa Milano from Double Dragon ever again.
Cosmo Sex Tips - Unedited and Unrevised
Cosmo Sex Tip #422: Nail his scrotum to a small plank of wood and then twirl it in such a way that once enough tension has been built and you release the plank it will spin around like an airplane propeller. Be sure to position your breasts in the path of the spinning plank and gurgle as if drowning underwater so that your man imagines he's a WW2 pilot who's crashed into the ocean and is being seduced by a mermaid.Cosmo Sex Tip #392: Saw the end of his penis off and then try to reattach it with your spit.
Cosmo Sex Tip #762: Have a snake bite your vagina and start screaming for your lover to suck the poison out. After several tense minutes admit to your lover that it was a boa constrictor which isn't poisonous. They'll be overwhelmed with joy that you're not envenomed that they'll give you the best sex you've ever had.
Cosmo Sex Tip #291: Fill a pair of gloves with ice cream just in case you're in public and your partner wants to lick ice cream off your fingers. Let him know the glove is always at the ready.
Cosmo Sex Tip #758: Challenge your lover to a farting contest where the winner gets anal.
Cosmo Sex Tip #674: Thinking of sending sultry pictures to his phone? ;) Why not send him poloroids of you masturbating WITH his phone so that every time he makes a call he'll imagine that he's talking into your vagina.
Cosmo Sex Tip #555: Write "vagina" all over his car so when on his way home from work you're all he can think about.
Cosmo Sex Tip #2Niner4: Announce that you have to use the bathroom really really badly. Then, before shutting the door call to your mate and ask them if they "wanna help" in as sexy a voice as possible.
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