Start Up That Maserati and... VROOM VROOM I'm Racin!

I am a car, and I am trying to sell myself.

I need a tune up, a paint job, and for someone to get the whiskey smell out of the upholstry, but I'm the track version of a tried and true model. Other features I possess include:

- Manual transmission

- Superior exhaust system

- A bit of hail damage but I know a guy who does good body work

- Seat warmers (I'm winking at you right now)

And it needs to be emphasized that I'm replacing various parts and panels with lightweight carbon pieces as well as replacing the stock powertrain with a madman's nightmare of a motor and a heavy duty four on the floor.


I'm looking to sell myself to a driver with a gentle touch but a heavy foot. Exceptional eye-hand coordination is essential for reasons that will become clear within a week of purchase. Must be resistant to heat.

Furthermore I am more than willing to buy you. I desire something with strong suspension as I love to take tight corners at high speeds. I try to be easy on your tread and am aware of the imminent dangers of damaged rubber but sometimes the heat of the moment and roar of the engine dull me to everything but working that throttle into a mechanical frenzy. Headlight condition and trunk space do not matter as much as the comfort of the interior and radio reception.

After clean water
clean food
then clean bed
and once these needs are met
clean socks