After the fakes have gone I am left with exactly as much as I had before, which is a little less than jack shit but more than I would have if I went ahead and blasted the top of my head off. I am dwelling on a thought that would make some of the non-fakes cringe or have words with me, but they are not here so I will continue to contemplate.

No... actually I'm very, very tired, of everything. Life is beautiful and glorious beyond measure, but I am not. I am not able to function properly in the world and my presence here is barely noticeable and ill-advisable because it's creating an unbearable sensation that is constantly present. Life should not be me doing my absolute damndest to distract myself from how much hate I've got bearing down on myself. It should be something else. I should have been something else. I am not bitter or angry, I simply acknowledge the reality of the situation and am very tired.

No picture for this post. Nothing to see here. Move along.

My Hope Is That The Picture Will Absorb Your Attention

It's almost been a month since the last time I wrote anything meaningful, or coherent. The world could certainly do without me but at this moment in time I feel that I should give words to the unending accumulation of shit on the internet.

For a long time I have entertained the notion that there may be something wrong with my brain besides the obvious that you no doubt have noticed after reading a few of these posts. I've started to become a bit of a hypochondriac and now realize that this is not the way I should be thinking. The odds are in favor that there is something amiss with my mental physiology but worrying would not be productive at all. So I shall worry.

And I really cannot control it, doing things that are counter-productive. I crave my own destruction and my auto pilot has a death wish. There are beautiful things out there to sense and experience and I find comfort in sitting in the closet rocking back and forth clicking my tongue. I have a dangerous comfort zone. It is as cold and dead as the universe will one day be. Time will pass and I will have missed my chance and I know this, I know I'm wasting, but I have come to the realization after many years of trying that I am incapable of triggering the change I need for myself. It is the most monumentally devastating of my shortcomings and I haven't been able to do anything about it so far.

I'm throwing what little I've got left away because I cannot shake the mentality that I deserve it and more.

It's all true. I need to go now.