Something To Myself Sort Of

When I read something that a person writes I will sometimes create a voice in my head modelled after what I feel the author would sound like. Sometimes I am able to find videos online of the authors and listen to them speak or recite what they have written and I am apalled with how dull or nasally or awful these goddamned people sound in contrast to the voice I create for them.

How dare they not sound like I want them to.

Dear reader, I would like to assure you that the voice you currently imagine me having, *that of an 80's action movie star* is the voice I possess. When you read me you almost certaintly imagine my voice thundering through a nordic valley knocking down trees and deflowering the virgins, and you would be relatively correct.

So I says to myself, I says moi, you've done it now. You know what I'm talking about, me. Self-hate buddy, it's out of control. Then I direct myself to look back on the past several days and what have occurred and I am hit by just how right I am. Sure, hating myself to the degree that I do has been fine for the past decade or so, but as you know it has now caused grief for people other than yourself. Today you must come to terms with the horrific reality of what you must do...

You must learn to love yourself...

But I'll do that later, right now I'm going to eat junk food and bang my head on the counter until I can commune once again with Great Great Grandpa Josiah who now roams the universe in an old Model T conquering the hearts of alien lifeforms that could never understand the man they see before them.