There's so much going on but I'm processing so little of it.
Practically endless pages on the internet but none worth reading.
Billions of videos but none worth watching.
Centuries of porn and none worth beating it to.
I feel sort of bad. I've got unpleasant thoughts dragging my mind over asphalt. There's not enough focus in me to keep my eye on the prize. My body starts to feel weak and wants to start shutting down. Breaths get deeper but take in less air. I feel worse. My brain cant keep the ship floating so it contemplates hitting the escape button but there isn't one. All along it had been duped by the fantasy of a getaway plan but now that everything is going to hell all it found is an fake button painted onto a wall. It might as well read "haha you stupid fuck."
The brain panics, but it cant move. It scrambles itself thinking of a way out of this mess. Make the arms flail, something may come of that. The arms stay still but the legs start to kick and the brain screams "that's good enough" and up the body goes headed to the door of my hotel room. There's no time to check if I have everything, actions must be taken to prevent everything from being scuttled. We will take our chances outside.
Each step echoes through the hallways of this old building. The floorboards creak and the walls thud. If this wasn't an emergency I would've altered the way my feet fell onto the floor, no time to hate the sound they make, just keep going. Down the stairs where I took the tumble, out the door with the shitty lock, just make it outside and hope the sunlight has some sort of magic effect on the oncoming darkness.
It does, mercifully, even after all the times I had cursed it for killing off the rain clouds. Lovely light, maybe everything would be ok after all.
And it was. For a time at least, then I'd get down and come back up. I'd become thrilled with writing, with the prospect of getting the stories out, with seeing a new country, then I'd hate the internet, hate the people and the extinction of critical thinking all around me. But that's how it goes. That is the normal state and it's only because there were too many blessings to count for so long that it made us think that life is supposed to be a parade of contentment and complacency. It's not the greatest, but it's so far from the worse that nobody would ever stop to think that there's so much better out there.
There's so many ways to express what life is, and right now I don't have it pinned down with the right combination of words to do it any justice and maybe I never will, but right now life seems to be a simultaneous beautiful but inelegant dance on two floors at once, the moments of bliss and awareness and then painful time spent in the bathroom. But just for right now, it can all change. /end nonfunny.
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