CHAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SEPTEMBER 28th, 2009:
Ordered internet from Embarq, the only provider that will come out to this remote area (remote meaning ONE FUCKING MILE from where we used to live which had many options of provider) and was told that everything would be connected October 1st, the day of the move.


October 1st, the day of the move:
Phone line was connected but modem is still in "transit." Will learn to hate this word and everyone who has ever used it fucking ever fucking ever FUCKING EVER!

October 3rd:
Still no modem. Called Embarq and the very polite operator assured us *ME AND MY HATE* that it should be there soon.

October 5th:
Embarq doesn't know what's going on so they say they are sending another modem and it should be there on the 7th.

October 7th:
Modem does not arrive. The asshole next door with the loud ass truck that kept making me get up to see if it was the UPS guy has earned a special spot on my list of people to sodomize with a chainsaw when my brain tumor finally kicks and I only have a few hours to live.
I call Embarq and they're just plum confused about the whole deal. They say wait a few more days and it should be there.

October 12th:
Neighbors get wireless internet and are too stupid to secure it. I HAS INTERNET! I immediately proceed to watch an astonishing amount of geriatric porno and beat my face into the keyboard while watching youtube videos of kittens playing with puppies.

October 13:
The fuckers next door learned how to secure their internet. I hope their kids get addicted to drugs.

October 14:
Called Embarq and complained. Was told to call back tomorrow if package didn't come that day.

October 15th:
Package did not arrive, called Embarq and threatened to drive to their headquarters with mustard gas and a harpoon gun with the intent to kill women and children first. Was then told by a supervisor that NEITHER MODEM WAS SENT AT ALL. The reason neither modem was sent was because someone forgot to tell us that we had to pay a 100 dollar charge for the equipment. I spent money I didn't have and ordered it. I was told to contact UPS about the delivery date. UPS told me that the 21st would be the latest it would be delivered, but could come any time before that. I cut off my finger in anger.

October 17th-20th:
I've spent the past few days on the roof with a rifle in the event that mutants try to attack the UPS guy. It was silent except for this jogger who happened by. Killed her and have been eating the corpse for a few days while ripping my scalp up with a claw hammer. Every day I wait in vain. I am the devil, Lucifer.

October 21st:
Modem arrived. Attempted to hook it up but it didn't work. Called Embarq and they told me I had to wait until 7pm the next day for it to work. I performed a Chaos Dunk and killed everyone at the lake. I found a small dog and sacrificed it to Pan the goat God and asked for intercession from St. Claire. I don't know if it was Pan's blessing or the will of St. Claire, but after trying over and over again the internet began to work.

I've spent the past month angry and agitated and forgot how to think smart.