Internal Rebellion

My index finger is sore from the amount of times I click on the laptop mouse pad. This may indicate that I use my index finger a great deal but the reason fore the soreness is the force at which I pound my finger into the mouse pad. When I want to look at a link, I WANT TO FUCKIN' LOOK AT THAT LINK!


I am nocturnal, but last night I slept a bit and have been awake all day today. It is only 3pm but the day is gray before it's time. You know, Adrian from the original Rocky was charming, or maybe that's just my predisposition to digging women with short hair talking. I have relentlessly been wrecking myself for the past few months and now my mind and body are rebelling. Alone neither of them stood a chance, but they have pushed aside their differences and combined their efforts in an attempt to halt my brutal reign. They want sleep, they want good food and claim that whiskey soaked hamburger meat is not enough to live on.


I wonder, why have they betrayed me, aside from the harsh way I treat them. I feel they are also reacting to the way I have been treating my love... I have been neglecting her. I can come up with excuses, many excuses actually, but in the end I must ask myself... do I love her as much as I think I do? Or is she just something I am good at but not really committed to. I must always remain honest, no lies or deceit, I love it but is it the type of all consuming love that will drive me to the land of milk and honey, to where I breathe the dream in and out and lay in it during the night... Am I too content with the way things are? Must something be squalid and sickening in order for me to seriously get up and do something about it?

Just work. Just do it. Get better, better than the last time. Grow. Keep fighting. If you get knocked down, get up and keep going. No matter what. You know... this doubt is very likely an assault launched by mind and body as retribution, as a way to weaken me to where I succumb to their demands... or... no... perhaps its a cry for help, a dim flare trying to light the dark sky of my self destruction. Should I listen? Will I listen? HURRRRRRRRRRRR


I'm very tired though, I'm going to lay down now.